I know with Uber and Lyft jacking their prices up to 5x normal driving with booze in you can seem like a much more financially appealing prospect, and most people can probably pull it off, or at least think they can.

Hey all, please don’t drive drunk tonight.

I’m sure you’re probably thinking this will be a dangers of drunk driving post. It’s not. Pretty sure those don’t work, people die, you weren’t the driver, you unlike all the other puny humans have complete control while drinking, etc. Maybe you do.

I decided instead to go with a dangers of being caught post and what it’s done to three people I know/knew. Yes, I had classy friends.

A common thread seemed to be that these were professional drinking friends and acquaintances I had. Professional as in drinking a couple of pitchers was par for the night, jobs that could afford a party every night. These were alcohol imbibing supermen who had so trained their livers and bodies that they could function to a point I couldn’t imagine and didn’t attempt.

None of them were caught for hitting anyone or committing a moving violation. Tail light out, flat tire, and getting sideswiped by a drunk driver (who didn’t get busted,) were their first round offenses.

I’d like to say I’m exaggerating for emphasis instead of that I had really stupid acquaintances, but each one managed to get a second DUI within a few months. All prior to their initial DUI case. Two of these were just pull-overs by the same cops who had previously busted them, the other was a watch-and-wait in a parking lot near a bar.

Each ended up with about the same set of bills. $8,000-10,000 bail/court costs/lawyer/get license back, several years of $3000-4000 car insurance, and a probation officer. One had an alcohol detecting anklet, one spent a month in jail and then a month in rehab and then two months looking for anyone who would employ him as jobs don’t generally hold a spot for two months for you.

I got to hear how one of them could not pay rent as they either paid the court or got to hang out in jail, another decided to shape up his life and quit driving for five years rather than attempt the $5k car insurance, another not really sure.

So that’s that. I’d estimate the damages at about four to six years of their lives’ spending money. Over half a year solid of income to the courts and insurance companies. One spent several days in jail, I’m not remembering exactly why at the moment.

I’m not trying to minimize the standard DUI message, but I would like you to understand that whatever you think your skills are, and whatever they actually are, you might be working off the night for several years to come.

But a taxi/uber/lyft/curb is expensive

To the ends of you not losing half a year of income, you cab your drunk/drunkish ass home and I propose the following. If on January 15th you think cabbing it home was a bad financial decision, come back here, let me know.

I’ll get your address and try to send you some review unit I have to take the sting out of the cab ride, perhaps a selection of 1gb USB press kits from CES, some original artwork from my toddler, or something that might make the right decision less wallet unfriendly.

Seriously though – make the right decision – don’t drive tipsy, drunk, or too tired to see straight. All of these could land you with a huge fine. They could also potentially hurt/kill/main/dismember people but that’s not what I’m going at.

Even if you’re Superman and control the entirety of existence with your iron will of driving, you don’t control other drivers, random DUI checkpoints, randomly burned out tail lights, bad gas in your car, flat tire, getting sideswiped by someone else and then getting road tested, etc.

Take that money you didn’t have to pay the court and change the world, or your life, for the better.