*service* was hacked! Oh teh noes!

Local news is killing it once again claiming Google or Nest or whatever it is this hour was hacked into and you shouldn’t trust them, but inevitably the people “hacked” are revealed once again to have used the same password on every single website that requires a password.

I thought I’d share a little bit about what hacking isn’t by looking at some other things that aren’t.

Master lock picker: Schlage is not vulnerable to lockpickers, you left your front door key under the front door mat.

The Wheelman: your car was not broken into and stolen by a master thief, you left the door unlocked, car running, keys in the ignition.

Night of Terror: using the password “[email protected]” on every site you go to does not make it Amazon’s fault when someone logs in and sends 200 Wolf T-Shirts to people who missed that entire meme or sets your thermometer to 99.

Break-in Artist: Your car was not broken into and valuables removed, you left the windows down or the doors unlocked and a macbook and a firearm sitting in the passenger seat.

Sophisticated Con Artist: They didn’t manage to get all your friends names from stalking you and hiring a detective agency, you downloaded an app called Boobie Jiggler and granted them access to your accounts and contacts.

SIM Swapping Samurai: They didn’t break into your email, clone your phone’s SIM, get the second factor authentication token from there, and wipe out your bitcoin. You forgot your password and that’s the end of that.

Miraculous conception: It wasn’t a miracle, it was sex at the right time. *Source: 7 billion other people.

Fault of no one: They didn’t miraculously get covered in feathers, trip down the stairs, get stapled, attacked by a tarantula, step on broken glass and nails after their shoes were torn off by tar, get shot in the groin by a BB gun, get hit in the groin with a paint shelf, have a toolbox drop on their head, slip down an ice staircase, burn their hand on a superheated doorknob, get a blowtorch to the head, get electrocuted, and get hit by a brick, did they Kevin?

Errant information: you weren’t operating on errant information when you reported a hacking. You didn’t know anything about it, didn’t research it, knew it would scare people and get views, and your dreams of a career in investigative journalism have nightmarishly descended into an attempt to chase people down to interview in the next two hours and slap a story together or you don’t get paid.

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Paul E King

Paul King started with GoodAndEVO in 2011, which merged with Pocketables, and as of 2018 he's evidently the owner. He lives in Nashville, works at a film production company, is married with two kids. Facebook | Google+ | Twitter | Donate | More posts by Paul | Subscribe to Paul's posts